For those of you not familiar with my post title, it is a few words from an old gospel song that I have not heard nor thought about in years. Yet, as I was lying on a gurney in the emergency room at GHS this past Saturday night during one of my all time lows in this journey, bits and pieces of this song began to play in my mind.
Over the days prior to Saturday, I had become very uncomfortable, had trouble with managing my pain and just not well in general. On Saturday, the pressure around my incision was painful and the area began to drain…. a lot. The home health nurse directed me to the ER, we got there around 7:30 pm. I was already feeling overwhelmed and when we got to the ER and I was forced to stand in the waiting room for well over an hour for fear of the stitches bursting, the stress and pain got the best of me. I broke down mentally and physically. Todd and I both had reached the end of what we could take and still feel strong and in control emotionally.
I was finally taken back and put on a gurney in the ER where I stayed until around 8:00 am Sunday. As I lay there listening to all of the commotion around me in the ER, I let myself cry it all out over and over. At that moment, my strength was gone. I prayed and cried and cried and prayed. Then the song began to come to me. A few lyrics at a time.
“Lead me Lord, I’ll follow, anywhere you open up the door.
Let your word speak to me, show me what I’ve never seen before.
Lord, I want to be your witness, you can take what’s wrong and make it right.
Daystar shine down on me, let you love shine through me in the night.”
I cannot explain why that song at that moment other than God bringing peace and calmness to me at my lowest. I could not remember all of the words. I looked it up when I got home last night. My take on it and what I know God was saying through it to me was that his love was with me in that place and that he had me.
I was eventually moved to a room and given IV antibiotics. Yesterday, I had a short procedure to put a drain tube in. I was able to come home last night and will go to Duke on Thursday to see my surgeon.
I had let myself become so anxious to heal and get back on my feet that I forgot to rest and take it one day at a time. In other words, I guess I needed to be reminded that I cannot do this alone and in my own strength.
“Daystar shine down on me, let your love shine through me in the night”