When I haven’t posted in a while, I will get these notifications from WordPress telling me that my blog readers haven’t heard from me in a while. Over the last few weeks, I have seen that pop up a few times…… but…. I could not find the words.
I could not because I could not bear to see the words on the page. Words like Metastasis, chemo and others. My cancer has returned. Most likely, it was never truly gone. On the last CT before leaving the hospital in December, my lungs were so cloudy and hazy due to complications after surgery that it would have been hard to detect a small growth.
I am often told how positive I am and strong…. I do not feel strong. I am going to be totally honest because I know so many people who have or are battling some sort of cancer or disease. We do not feel strong all the time. It is a daily choice to dry up the tears and battle. It takes act of will and a prayer and determination to keep your mind on living with a positive attitude. It is hard! When your doctor explains the statistics on Sarcoma, it is heart wrenching. The number of people diagnosed with Sarcoma within a year would not even fill up half of Little John Coliseum in Clemson. That is what we were told yesterday. It is that rare. Treatments that have already been FDA approved for other cancers cannot get approved for Sarcoma. Talk about an uphill battle…… and I refuse to type out the life expectancy!
With all that being said……. I let myself have the breakdown…for a time. Then, I begin to pray again and again and again…. I choose to read the survivor stories instead. I keep my mind busy by continuing to work, by focusing on the immediate future, by spending time with my family and friends. By praising God and believing his word. My Jesus does not care about statistics, does not answer to the FDA. My God bore our infirmities on the cross. His word is life and health to all our flesh. He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of peace, love and a sound mind.
Yesterday at Duke, I met with my new Oncologist. A very kind doctor who spent over an hour going back over my history and talking to me about future options, etc. We know that the 2 nodules removed form my lungs were cancer and that there is one other spot that is questionable. I will go back on March 16th for a repeat CT. If that reveals more growth, I will begin chemo in June. If there is nothing new on the scan, I will have a choice to go ahead with chemo now or wait until growth or change is seen. From the doctors perspective, there is no cure but there are things like chemo that could allow me to live in remission for a time. That is what the doctors say……..Our Lord and savior says I am a child of God and Jesus himself took our infirmities and bore our sicknesses. I stand on that report and nothing else. I will begin everyday with that prayer and by setting my mind on what I know in my soul. AND when I feel weak… I will take control of my thoughts and remind myself that I am alive today and I will focus on the promises of God and on making the most of every minute.
On the way home yesterday, Todd reminded me of a movie quote that sums this all up. It is from one of our favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption.
“Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying – Andy Dufresne
I choose to Get Busy Living!