The title above is the title of a song by Third Day. I came across it after listening to a song my son sent me. I had heard it before but this time, it took on a new meaning for me.
During my lowest point last week I felt I was not going to be able to fight this wretched disease any longer. At one point, so many things were going wrong, I remember thinking “this is how it (Cancer) gets you, not with the disease itself, but the complications that take your body to brink of shutting down”. At the time, I had a high fever so my mind and thoughts were running rampant. I wondered what the purpose was in all of this. Is it simple, I have cancer….done? Is God really allowing this when he could have saved me from it altogether? Is it as random as falling down the stairs and a chain reaction began as some doctors have suggested? Is is just genetics? Is God having to go to this drastic a measure to reach me????
One could drive themselves crazy with random off the wall questions and I have felt totally crazy at times. I don’t have the answer, never will. What I do know is that before Cancer, I was a Christian, saved by Grace. Todd and I both believed the same way, were raised in the same Methodist faith. We went to New Spring Church, on occasion. I prayed for others, for my kids, etc. Pretty decent, right?
My Soul was NOT on Fire.
I cannot speak for anyone’s experience and walk with God other than my own. We hear of people who go through life altering situations like Cancer say they are grateful for what they went through. Some say that it brought them closer to God and changed their perspective on life and how to live. Are we so caught up in the world and our own life that it takes something so deadly, so life altering, so painful to get our attention?
I know what it is like to feel the spirit speak to my heart. I know what it is like to feel burdened to pray for someone out of the blue. I know what it is like to be in church and feel the Holy Spirit so strongly that it makes me cry. I had not felt the presence of the Holy Spirit that strongly in a while…….until I hit rock bottom last week.
Again, in those times when we have tried to perservere in our own strength and capacity, when we have been strong and pushed through with all we have and we are at the end of our rope, HE is there and was there in the ER with me when all of my strength was gone.
“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee; for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
He met me in that place, I felt the peace that passes all understanding.
Back to my song
“Lord, Restore the joy I had
I have wandered, bring me back
In this darkness, lead me through
Until all I see is you.”
I still do not know why I have Cancer but it really doesn’t matter. I know God has a purpose and a plan for me, for my future, for his Glory.
God, I’m running for your heart, Till I am a Soul on Fire……